hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
