I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
