bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
