I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
