So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
