I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
