I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
