in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Girls should come with a carfax report
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
