okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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