I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
