6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
