So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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