sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
