Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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