I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
