k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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