I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
