I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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