I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
