The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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