I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
