I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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