plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
