I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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