Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
