I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
