My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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