Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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