I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
