I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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