ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
