halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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