Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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