What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
