It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
