So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
