I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
did i just pee glitter
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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