I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
