Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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