when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
