I am spending my child support on dildos
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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