I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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