When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
