yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
