You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
