Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
