My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
