just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
