I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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