we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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