I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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