how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
